Soo....this goes on the list of odd coincidences. My gyno calls me while I'm going at it, leaves me a message. I check it later... thank God I tested negative.
When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, you're a dumbass
Dude you didn't move for like 2 hours then suddenly sang the chorus to ghetto superstar and passed back out
I just dont understand why you didnt cut me off when I took the funnel into the bathroom and started peeing and funneling at the same time
I wish the ER had shaved that part of my head. It would be easier to show people my staples at the bar.
So if a 2 is a 10 on the road... do we consider college to be "on the road?" help. its urgent.
and after i failed the breathalyzer i said to the cop "i've never been very good at tests"....
I found a bag of weed while packing. Now packing is like creating tiny universes inside of boxes.
How was the party? Lets put it this way: "He wants her dick" was a factual sentence stated last night.
I don't really want to have sex with him, I'd just want him in a threesome. Does that make sense?
You told your mom that it was your second day sober. I think she believed it until you jumped off the balcony
The German just referred to my vagina as the Great Barrier Reef and that he was going to go diving in it.
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
I love that you put so much thought and effort into your nudes
I don't send half assed nudes. Go big or go home.
I don’t know how you celebrated 4/20 but I set a Payless trash can on fire
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