Just flooded the bathroom while masturbating in the shower. Managed to squeege most of it up. Desperately need to get laid.
trying to imitate man vs food after 12 shots doesnt mean youll get laid
there seems to be a considerable amount of hair missing from my left hand. i may have lit it on fire again
I cannot believe I said bareback movement...
all i know is that i listed him in my phone as 'vagina cookies.' that can only be a good thing.
Bonus points if the penis has a little hat too
currently waiting for her to check in on Facebook, the second she does I'm there. someone is getting laid tonight
I'm not stalking, she is pretty much begging me to come find her if she checks in
Now I get the fucking shakes every time I hear I'm Sexy And I Know It. Thanks, Captain Morgan.
I ran into a hotel and told the doorman he was doing a great job. That was before you cried on my jacket.
Was I at least a good cuddler? Like at least honorable mention?
Dying on my bathroom floor at 7 am, I would rather be eaten by a shark right now
sometimes you just gotta eat tacobell at 2am and cry all your feelings out
Her son walked in on us and asked if he could "wrestle too."
AND ONCE AGAIN, MY VAGINA HAS STRUCK AGAIN. HER PLANS TO TAKE OVER MARYLAND ARE WELL ON THEIR WAY AS SHE CONTINUES TO ENGULF EVERY QUEER IN A 10 MILE RADIUS
All I want is a wedding with a dress and a veil and where I can go and my cat can go.
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