I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
College reaches a new low. We just carved a shot glass out of a potatoe.
She left scratches down my back from her wedding ring. Her husband seems like a nice guy though, judging by the scratches it had to be at least a carat.
PS- I just stirred my mimosa with a slice of bacon
My mom and I are having a "yay I don't have herpes" shopping trip day
there is a video of me from last night trying to light my breath on fire. that drunk.
I think this girl gave me a handjob thinking that I would help her with her cell phone bill
omg. that's awesome
The air was thick with penises
There just aren't enough words in the English language to convey my deep and abiding love of your cock. So I am beefing up on my Portuguese.
My wife ladies and gentlemen! Love ya babe.
The judge mental looks i am getting while looking at porn on my phone sitting in the urgent care waiting room is gonna get way worse when they find out im here to see if im pregnant
Eh. Fuck him. He's missing out. I'm legit naked and drinking straight from the bottle of wine.
and you fell through a lawn chair
Blacked out and showed everyone my nudes. They toasted to my nudes, and I got an outstanding ovation.
I woke up this morning to pee and six dollar bills fell out of my underwear. I guess that lap dance just bought me lunch.
Either my boss has an enormous dick or he’s hiding a can of tennis balls in his bike shorts
Maybe I will go to the company picnic
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