Her body is shaped like a coke bottle...a two liter coke bottle
from now on my penis is your penis
Woke up this morning with a note saying "great sex, see you never". Why can't I meet more women like her?
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
Just cause I'm shitfaced wasted every night waking up in random beds all over Manhattan does not mean I'm a mess.
Truth. Respect the hustle.
He just told me what he wants for his birthday. "a noise complaint" he also said he wants to be the cause of all the noise but he won't be the one making the noise.
I love my life sometimes. I do miss being an adult, from time to time, but a little vodka always changes my mind.
I think the moment I knew you were going to black out was when I told you how many shots you had already and you were shocked and then poured another one
My girl came home. i was jacking off on the couch and she just starts telling me about her day, as if im not half naked with my hand on my cock.
Apparently mr clean magic erasers don't clean blood off the ceiling
Tis the season to play Pocahontas! (AKA: Eat a bunch of acid and run around the yard barefoot, the first person to see the colors of the wind, wins!)
Hi. Tara tells me your sandwiches and stamina are substantial
Awake! can you bring me my pants...im under the couch
I cannot take an uber back in my costume...can you please come get me?
Blow Jobs and the Patriots Playing I think I’m going to marry her
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