I chugged a bottle of robotussein and i ducking saw a blind lady on a purch sewing a shirt! And a tree portal
when i was 16 reading the aftercare instructions at the piercing place i wondered why they would ever think to warn me about getting semen in my bellybutton
then i met college
the taste of these tagalongs is totally worth boning that creepy troop leader chick...
We're playing a drinking game to 'how to train your dragon'. has it really come to this?
He knew exactly who I'd slept with after just one look at my crotch. He's like the Sherlock Holmes of cocks.
hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking if you had a pulse
I sat on the toilet and peed through my jeans, then I pissed the bed and blamed him...do you think well have a 2nd date?
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
She found the planted magnum condom..once she figured it out it was too late.
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
And then you two got up and shouted in near perfect unison "I'M ALWAYS A SLUT FOR BASKIN ROBBINS" The bar just looked at us horrified.
Oh and it took quite a bit of doing, but I managed to wipe my butt with the hat you left in my car
This is not a drill. I need a cape. And a tuxedo. Simultaneously. Repeat. NOT. A. DRILL....
I got snowed in at my parent's. everyone's asleep so I'm smoking a joint in my old room and watching Tarzan on a 12" tv.
They must be so glad to have you home...
Decided to stay sober a couple days, learned how exceptionally stupid my coworkers are. Might have to quit now. Moral of the story:be careful where you go sober.
Randomize
