Then we started crawling around on the floor because we couldn't get up so decided to be tigers instead. Gotta love power hour.
I feel like I got hit by a truck made out of Jack Daniels.
He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it.
We just built a bong out of a pineapple. I am never leaving hawaii. Ever.
I was eating her out when she coughed, I just swallowed a bright red blood clot
I'm really tired of your booty call eating my fruity pebbles.
I got rejected. By another girl. At a red light. In front of seven shirtless cyclists in the middle of the night. How is that normal?!?
Also, you tried to make me learn all of the presidents, in order, with a picture book as an aid. At 4 am. What the fuck?
Last thing I remember was wondering why there was a mirror on the wall behind the urinal and then realizing I was pissing in the sink.
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
He told me he felt like he was just pistol-whipped by Testicle Man.
I love how you sexted me before you told me happy birthday. Thank you.
Hi please disregard the last text and if you'd like our entire interaction
Done
40 year old guy made out with me last night while I had French fries in my mouth
how soon in a friendship can you start calling them a motherfucker
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