You should never have let annie watch you have sex with other women
you convinced me to pee myself because I was wearing dark jeans.
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
I was just reelected president of justgotlaidsylvania
Her vagina smelled like pancake batter. That's all you need to know.
We didn't talk. I watched you drop an egg on the floor. And watched you praise your haunted broom.
Haha. I got you. I always pay you back somehow. Do you accept all major forms of payment: cash, taco bell, and patriotic underwear?
I can't bring an entire liter in the bar in my purse. I mean I can. I might. I'm probably gonna.
You just referred to a pillow with a stolen bra strapped to it as "she". Let that sink in for a minute.
Yup, two strangers look up at each other and realize the only connection they have is the dead woman they banged to death below them. Magic. They have to be best friends now.
I don't want anything calamari shaped after last night. But I appreciate the Cheerios offer.
You've lost booty call privileges between the hours of 10pm and 8am.
You ran out of his house yelling "I got the goods!" Then you pulled toilet paper rolls out from under your shirt.
You need to stop vomiting in the washing machine, bro. For real this time.
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
Randomize
