I just took a girl with a hip brace and crutches on a date. she obviously can't bone. is it rude to demand a blowjob?
Haha, just learned changing others iPhone passcodes is fun while drunk but not fun the next morning.
Just farted in public and tried to sniff it all up before anyone noticed...do you think that actually works?
I feel like royalty, that girl from last night had a vajazzled vag. Bucket list complete.
i would eat my own dick if it were covered in nutella
so i never found you. but i found vodka. so its kinda the same
Your the only friend that would realize I'm gonna get drunk and send coke to me at a bar before I made drunken phone calls for it. You sir complete me.....
In the ER. 2nd degree burns. Drunken attempt to make gasoline scented candles.
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
i wanna meet her so much more now that I know she got toed in a hottub.
Dad was on the deck drinking straight bourbon. He stopped, puked on his feet, and then continued drinking and talking about compound interest.
That tingly feeling you're experiencing in your lady parts is my mustache. All the ladies of America are waking up feeling the same thing. You're welcome.
Wow. Last night.
I knew you were shit blasted when you called me your "sunflower queen"
He sent me a slow motion video of him jerking off...it was so long (the video not his dick) even I felt awkward watching it alone
It was like if the scent of sour milk and burning tires had a baby in taste form.
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