I'm a grown ass woman and I'm sitting in bed eating pizza at 4:30 a.m. BFD, right?
Ben affleck wants to be a US senator. Just thought you would puke with me
Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
Remember when we did the egg drop from the Dyson building? Her vag is like that, except with a ham, and the ham doesn't make it. I'll be back to the apartment in ten.
Just slept with my boyfriend's roomie to learn if bf was cheating on me
Good plan. When in doubt, sleep about.
we cut her off and put her in bed but by the time we got back to the drinks she was already there shirtless. she's the topless tequila ninja
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
I've already started drinking so the earlier you get out of class the more coherent I'll probably be.
this is worse than the time i threw up a condom.
Pants-less sunday? Also I'm high and independence day is making me cry
im coming over
You slid down the bannister into a split. Lines were crossed.
This is John, I met you downtown last night.
Oh, ok.
This is the cop that kept you out of trouble last night
You took all of your clothes off and tried to seduce me and while trying to seduce me you decided you were too drunk and passed out.
God dammit everything I said last night about jungle juice being awesome just does not carry over into the next day
sometime during the night he found me in the empty hotttub singing marvins room in only my bra.
Randomize
