I'm still reeling over the fact that you beat us all at Risk while you were flat on your ass drunk and falling asleep on South America.
I told him we couldn't have sex because I was ovulating and "I come from fertile people."
Her tits were the only thing that upgraded her from "no way in fuck" to "drunken mistake"
almost getting arrested is turning into fucking this cop in his ex wife's lawn. see you tomorrow
She kept telling the ambulance to sit down and then started crying when we told her it couldn't hear her
My date just wheeled me home in a shopping cart but it was normal
You invited the cop in for a "Celebrity shot"
You would think the bank would reward me for getting my account down to 3 cents without overdrafting it.
I just told the toilet I loved it. Bad sign.
That's the kind of activity you can only get away with by wearing a lion codpiece
I'm officially no longer allowed to make any of my own decisions regarding alcohol, men, or the combination of both. Thats up to you now. Do me proud.
I don't want anything calamari shaped after last night. But I appreciate the Cheerios offer.
so i showed up to the bars in a sombrero and a tie as a headband... so yeah, they didn't let me in
I wrote life affirmations on my notes to repeat and read several times a day so I become a better person, see the time on the toilet has been constructive
But yeah, I am thinking that "Cake Heresy" will now be a thing
Randomize
