Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
you laugh because clearly you have never had to clean poop out of a tub
i guess this means i'm going to be wearing knee socks during sex again
He walked me home last night across campus while i fed him pasta out of a solo cup at 3 am.
5am is far to early to be on jagerbomb number 6 right now
Also, hurry up because I don't like drinking alone. I'm still doing it, but I don't like it.
The only reason I'd ever want a boyfriend is so that someone would spoon feed me applesauce when I'm so hungover I can't move
CORAL IS FAR MORE RED THAN HER LIPS RED
Oh god you're Sonnet 130 drunk, aren't you.
when the officer asked him if he had been drinking, he just goes, "yeah, you?" then falls onto the table.
Guess what I'm doing tonight? Tacos and strip chess.
Well we did eat French fries lady-and-the-tramp style last night...
I got back from work this morning after working the night shift to find an NFL player scaling the side of our apartment...from your window. He just took sneaking out to all new level. Care to explain?
I think that about sums it up, actually.
You threw your body across the gross couple hooking up on the couch and demanded they scratch your back. I love you drunk on peach schnapps
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
Strip Simon Says: DO IT
Randomize
