You flung your panties at that guy you liked with an accuracy that I have never seen before.
Stop staring at my boobs, I can't concentrate
Well how do you think I feel
fair enough
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
the trick is not to think about where her tounge has been.
come in to starbucks and ill make you a 4loko latte before theyre banned
I ended up taking shots of whiskey and chasing them with potato wedges, I have never felt more Irish
You stumbled in the house, mumbled something about a cheese party, grabbed a block of cheese and the whiskey, and left.
Last night we looked at each other with an expression of "fuck I am so done being normal", took off our shirts, and danced around in our bras
I'm a gay man planning my brothers bachelor party, and he choose someone else to be his best man. I hope they like appltinis and gay clubs. Bastard.
Yeah... I still gave her a hug because I felt really bad though. I mentioned that my boyfriends grandma just died too, just to reinforce that I'm straight afterwards.
This weekend i learned three things 1) skittles in vodka is good 2) it takes more than a roll of quarters to get a cab home 3) never tell a bartender to give you your change in actual change
Well my grandma put the turkey in the oven for 4 hours and didn't have the oven on.
wanna see your best friend chug a bottle of steak sauce?
please go to sleep
I mean I faked it but he could answer my texts
Fuck me I smell like cheese
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