Lets evaluate? U kissed one boss and lef twith another man. I cock teased the other, hardcore had a tongue jammed down my throat, made out w aa third then left in a cab w alex w them all yelling at me and offering rides. My cheek was also licked and bitten by 2 other men and we almost made out (u and me) because they asked. were hired.
Woke up with string cheese braided into my hair- literally braided
one of the service guys here said i licked ranch off your face lastnight
I just realized that my phone was set to Brazilian time...what the fuck happened last night
I won't be able to make it. Too hung over. Can't hold down fluids. I'm in the bathtub trying to hydrate my body through osmosis. And yes, Tequila Tuesday is totally still on for tonight.
I have your car and your sandals. My shoes are somewhere under the puke couch. Safari time.
God I feel like the rain man of hangovers.
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
I have to take tonight off from shenanigans. My liver is planning a coup
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
I just want to eat Taco Bell and throw it up on his doorstep.
I am having telepathic thoughts with my cat. He loves me and wants me to blow his nose
He took my Spanx off and still fucked me twice. I call that success.
I might be drinking a 4-day old opened beer on a Wednesday. You're in no position to judge me.
It would have only made it one day at my place.
He's my blizzard buddy. We're blowing lines and doing a 3D game of thrones puzzle
Randomize