btw, your gf is going to want to talk to you today...and consequently you're probably not going to want to talk to me...just a heads up
dude. late night with jimmy fallon isnt even funny. the people in the audience there to see him dont even think hes funny.
kinda like you and your friends.
just saw a guy try to order booze in his coffee at 8 am.
I have a drinking game planned. Were gunna watch empire records. Everytime they say rex manning we have to take a shot
I've got my laundry in the car, tonights 1 night stand pre-req is an in suite washer and dryer. Let's do this!
Were playing bathroom attendees at the party and making people wash their hands
i made a dollar
thanks for being the calm eye of my shit storm.
He broke up with me over the phone while I was getting my bush waxed into a "D" for his surprise birthday present. Talk about bad timing...
The least you could do is send me some gibberish so I know you're alive.
Fuhga
Thank you.
I'm tryin a pb and onion sandwich now
Please smoke with me until I agree that sounds like a good idea
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
I've never wanted anyone to have herpes as I much as I want him to right now.
How ironic... opening your legs for closure.
You know you have an interesting job when you go to work and have to Google search "How to get poop out of a dryer".
Just learned a very valuable life lesson. Never motorboat a cat when they have claws.
Randomize
