My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
woke up to an overdrawn credit card. did you order the dawsons creek boxset last night?
i hope so.
Its not that I'm getting free haircuts... Its just that she is paying for sex with haircuts...
Theres a guy in your room wearing a franzi box costume and some girl is in the box giving him head.
So the doctor told me that I am starting to showing the early signs of liver cirrhosis. Thank you Jack Daniels for making the first 26 years of my life awesome.
True. On an unrelated note I helped post bail for both of our ex girlfriends last night. Russian roulette: guess which one is pregnant?
Life just isn't the same without him waking me up at 4 in the afternoon with a look of pity on his face...
That chick went from zero to shitshow in only 6 shots.
I almost went home with him but then my hydroxycut fell out of my purse at the bar and I ran away
I walked home with him, but I had to pee...so I did...as we walked. He was so drunk he didn't even notice. Good thing I was in a dress.
Im in my back seat in my own drive way with two beers left to shotgun and watching the sunrise. Am I over her yet?
Whiskey and tits go great with anything. Especially fire.
First thing I find in the car I just pick up from my grandpa? A discount card for the strip club down the road from his apartment. The force is still strong.
What's an appropriate gift to bring to my boyfriend's wife's baby shower?
Shame?
There is sex in the air. Be careful where you walk.
Randomize