im letting my talent of no gag reflex go to waste
It's like having an annoying little brother who wants to have sex with you
whatever sunny in Philadelphia does on Thursday nights, I'm doing all weekend.
It's refreshing to see you in something that is stained with something other than vomit and spilled alcohol.
i was mowing the lawn and found the coffee pot in the bushes
The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
so the x-ray technician didnt buy my story of falling off a curb. she said a fall of that height couldnt snap the bone that way. bitch called me a drunken idiot too. if she wasnt so hot i'd be angry
I'm gonna cougar town the shit out of that prom.
I'm not really made for random hookups.. i'm like a swan.. i don't wanna have random swan sex. i just wanna have one swan hubby and fly around the world together and eat bread that people throw at us..
When did we convert life to cartoon?
"Work from home" is code for "morning drinks" right?
It's a sad day when a deadly hurricane headed your way is less depressing than your relationship status.
Her name was Danica but I felt like it would be hard to say drunk so I called her Shelby
Not my lover. I would rather lose all my teeth, and I fucking love my teeth.
I'm that daughter that had to send her mother "DON'T GET SHITFACED" & yes, in ALL CAPS.
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