Her vagina smelled like chicken
why do you say that
chicken smells like everything
I feel like I shouldn't be doing my banking stoned. But I bought a new bowl. Her name is Sharpe. Pronounced Shar-Pay.
Peeing in public by noon, this is not a good indicator for the day.
I was afraid that she would smell her boyfriend's penis on my breath while we were talking.
I poured everyones drinks into the ice bucket and then stuck my face in it. Apparently I'm a greedy drunk.
The important thing is not that we avoid making mistakes, but that we avoid learning from them.
We're going to catch a squirrel this summer
I just laughed at the word pudding. I have no idea whats going on right now.
After the 3rd time his brother walked in on us I asked "Does he ever knock?" his reply "This is his room"... Turns out he didn't even live there... I feel like a hoe.
hand jobs are a waste of time that only lead to arm cramps. Also, where do you look...his eyes, at the penis, at the tv?
yeah the "where to look" question is super awkward
Welp. June's off to a great start. I just ripped my pants, completely sober, at 10:30 p.m.
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
Definitely the only person to buy 2 handles a 2 bottles of champagne & 3 thirties while wearing a fanny pack
What made you think singing Silent Night while I was puking was a good idea?!?!
All I remember is me taking my automatic nerf gun getting on top of him and saying..."look whos in control now!"
Randomize
