What kind of friend are you? You don't even blackout anymore.
just had dinner with my dad's new gf and her daughter.. had to drink a beer to get through it.. she's 19 she has on a disney watch and snowflake earrings
I feel like if I were on Intervention, I would have to be a season finale.
he said the way to his heart was through his stomach, i told him if he wanted to eat my food he had to eat my kitty
smooth operator
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
He's got a pretty small dick but he's a total sweetheart. I'm gonna buy a new dildo and just deal with it.
Trying to figure out when's a good time to take acid and not tell anyone and see how long it takes people to notice
I'm at work, and just realized I the beer smell I keep getting random whiffs of is my bra. I fail at life.
You made out with my dog and told me he tasted like a rainbow.
Abort mission; I repeat: Abort mission.I found an attractive one.
I mean, you got a giant dick. I've seen lawn gnomes that are smaller.
I can hear the pillow talk now, "how many condoms did you bring? Good, put them all on,"
Mid-fucking he screams "YOU CAN'T VOTE FOR TRUMP"
Just had a flashback of scottish man yellin' at my face. What the fuck I did?
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
Randomize
