My favorite part of our friendship is your tits.
Nights of college: 1. Virgins: 1. Yes.
Any little, cute, petite blondes with you?
Nah, I got some slutty brunettes though.
He's only a little bit crosseyed.
I think this is one situation where "a little bit" doesn't mean much.
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
Just thought you should know that we coat checked our fairy wings last night. Getting belly up to the bar was way more important that wearing our costumes.
I come back home for break and my room is full of weed either my parents really love me or they are having more fun then I am in college
In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
And I don't know what it is about weed making me want every episode of the real housewives of everywhere
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
I had an epiphany. If a dude dressed up as Batman to ask me out, I'd prolly marry him.
Which is worse that I came in public or that no one noticed?
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
He talked me out going to the bar. No one ever talks me out going to the bar..this is fucking love.
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
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