I'm really into asian looking animals
Anthony wouldn't know good sex if it sat on his face
How's work?
Spinning.
He was ugly. Like horse ugly. But he was built for power, not for speed.
I walked out of the store holding my face and a lady pulled her daughter away from me as I then threwup in the parking lot
The penis is a tricky weapon to use. When using it as leverage you have to make it seem emotional. I'd rather use it as a club sometimes.
Me too. We could do it like prostitutes. No kissing on the mouth.
dude, i warned you that using a card to pay for my hotel room was a bad idea. You deserve the extra $600 in cleaning fees
I actually want to work out for some reason... I think it's my brains way of telling me it doesn't like living in a fat body.
Holy crap, church bells in Cibolo just scared the hell out of me. I'm pretty sure they were yelling sinner at me.
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
One door closes, one man cooks for you through the next open door
Someone broke into my car last night. Didn't take anything, even left the beer in my backseat. They need to get their priorities straight, obviously.
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
when I walked in the door they were passed out naked, on top of eachother, with tetris controllers in their hands.
Randomize
