Just fell off a train. Bad.
I see lights
Your drunk and in times square. Time to take the 2 train home.
You stuck your head out the window to puke and got hit with a mailbox.
P.S, i don't recommend doing keg stands on top of vehicles.
Just invented taco cereal.
Dude she looks like a female richard gere plus 400 pounds.
OH YEAH AND FORGOT TO THANK YOU FOR THE lack of WARNING THAT HE WASN'T CIRCUMSIZED.
The cop told you to put your hands behind your back and you slurred "I'm not falling for that again"
You started drinking at 2:30, did you really think you would be able to remember?
Yea i think drunk-me kept all my bar receipts, just to throw it in sober-me's face.
Once I hang curtains in my truck bed that'll be feasible
After owing so much in back child support they should make vasectomy a mandatory
Omg. I'm making you a chocolate and "herb" birthday cake and using joints for candles. I'm gunna need moms help with this!
Grandma's bordering on serious shit show territory at this point.
If wanting to text you my feelings after three mojitos is wrong I don't wanna be right.
Randomize
