flash back: i gave smirnoff to a group of children at walmart
tolerance is too high. going on a liquor strike. ghandi style.
I was too drunk to read the menu, let alone her body language.
drunk tastebuds have low standards.
Two words. Shotgunning Cognac.
This has already gotten way out of hand
Ok. Here's the plan. Take your hand (whichever is closest), summon all your nerve, and just stick it right down his pants.
I love you.
Want to go swimsuit shopping? First one who cries buys ice cream.
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
Well. At least he's a gentleman. A gentleman satanist.
You just want me for my pizza coupons and my penis.
Your grandma changed her Netflix password :(
I found a loose wire in my thermostat. Couldn't find the pliers, so I used a nipple clamp to fix it.
no i'm going to the dr today, he fucking banshee-shrieked in my ear as he was coming and now i can't hear out of it
Are you ok? Who pooped in my office?
I just wanna go home jackoff, eat chicken fingers, drink beer, play halo and go to bed. I'm sick of this shitty school, the shitty kids and having to fucking teach them.
Randomize
