I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
PS- did you die? If you did just text "dead" to me, so that I know.
I caved and texted him. But it's strictly drug dealing business so it doesn't count.
Can you confirm that Victor fucked a girl for Jack in the Box tacos?
I cannot, but I know he fucked a girl for a Nerf hoop and a "Kingpin" dvd.
He raised his arm and dropped it in his sleep to smack himself awake. He knows his phone has an alarm clock right?
Balls are being tripped. Said meow to my cat and he said yeah cool dude.
All I've had today is a brownie and a shot of Jack, so you know. I'm doing ok.
I would really just like to get laid somewhere that's not on a bathroom floor at this point in my life
Wake up. Eat bread. Find your dignity. Don't be late for work again.
YOU DONT EAT A GIRL OUT AND THEN GO PUKE ASSHOLE
the D I S R E S P E C T of sending someone nudes, them opening it, and not bothering to respond
Oh god I found a set of car keys in my pocket, and I have no idea who's they are
I just want this to serve as a reminder in the morning that the topic of conversation at last call was the penis size of jesus.
Dude I cant right now. Were talking about pickles.
Okay, let's just all take a step back and think about how funny this will seem in like a year... Maybe 2 if his nose is actually broken.
Randomize
