Ask him about the girl he took home Saturday night. I swear she voted for Kennedy.
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
It makes me feel uncomfortable and unsafe when he licks my pants
I'm doing laundry in pjs and heels, home alone with my margarita bucket.
literally overdrew my bank account at 3 in the morning to eat subway with 7 sherriffs.
My mother just made an innapropriate gesture with a cucumber while grocery shopping at whole foods... Then she said "bitches love cucumbers" and all this time i thought i was adopted
Nope. I've found you care about two things in life: your momma and spreading your seed.
I found her in my pantry with her shirt off twerking...I tapped her on the shoulder and she said she was giving Chef Boyardee a show and to give her a minute...
When I was hooking up with this guy last night all I could think about was if we were in Game of Thrones... I need to stop doing drugs
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
My uterus feels like it went 8 rounds with Mike Tyson. And that was only a quickie.
He had a small dick anyway. I'm glad I barfed on it.
You took one look at him and said "let's hope I don't remember this tomorrow" then you took another shot and chased it with a beer.. I guess it was a success.
I'm going to smell of sex and shame.
How is that different than any other Monday night?
He gave me an ambien and I woke up with a raw chicken bone in my purse. I have no idea why but I hope I put it in his butt
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