We got drunk before dinner. People at the other tables were praying for us.
thanks for waiting 12 hours to ask if I was in a ditch or not
In case you were unaware playing with rabbits on ecstasy is the greatest thing ever. I feel like I'm ODing on adorable right now.
I just entered us to win a trip to Vegas for spring break. GET YOUR VAGINA READY FOR THE ULTIMATE DICK HUNT!
Fell down the metal stairs and some guy tried to fight me after you left. I fell asleep with cadbury eggs in my mouth too.
I got laid and laid off at a conference in long beach all on the same day
Eh. They balance each other out
Yeah, I wish I could have one upped you. But all I did was ride circles around a cop on a stolen bicycle while laughing at him for telling me to stop riding on the sidewalk.
I'm having one of my monday morning walk of shame coffees if you care to join.
Nothing says "Good Morning" like Jell-o shots and coffee cakes.
i have an important question...can you drink in jail?
I went in to wake you up this morning and you had a condom draped across your throat like a necklace. There were no boys in the house last night, what were you doing?
Lol I think I might have been a little aggressive last night there is a blue ass print from your jeans on my wall
That awkward moment when your drug dealer pulls your boss out of the snow
Hey bro are you still alive??? I'm sure you are wondering how you ended up laying on the floor at the foot of your bed and why there is a wheelchair by your door....
We won like $80 last night at the casino, so if we get the Plan B we still have enough to get your basic bitch latte from Dunkin. Calm down.
Randomize
