note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
I think I might have accidentally had a threesome last night with two good friends. See, this is what happens when you leave me.
They found an open window, climbed through and proceeded to arrest half the party. These campus cops are like fucking ninjas.
Is it bad that I had sex with another guy on my boyfriend's bed while he's out of town?
Just flip the mattress, it erases all
Done and done
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
Dude we need to petition the city about running buses later, none of my booty calls own cars
I will never try to masturbate with americas funniest home videos playing in the background ever again
Thanks for making breakfast. I usually have cereal and coffee...but i think margaritas and turkey sandwiches could catch on.
Strip beer pong in the front yard? Of course the cops showed up
I've decided I want to blow you wearing a santa hat.
Aren't rabbit ears more seasonally appropriate?
I have feelings that need drinking.
Seriously. If I'd known all it took was a 29 year old UPS guy to make me feel THIS SEXY, I'd have been fucking them for 30 years.
We got kicked out of yet another strip club because your mom wanted to "show these kiddies how it's done"
I told the border patrol officer she was smuggling drugs in her ass. I doubt she cheats on me again.
you can see where the duct tape was on my nipple
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