What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
The best thing happened. Some guy was butchering Conway Twitty at karoke and the power went off in the whole bar. And someone shouted "you pissed jesus off when you messed with conway!"
I mean we havent seen each other since december and then bam its cinco de mayo and were having sex under a life guard tower taking tequila shots between each position. no big deal
He woke up licked his hand and put it on my vag and went back to sleep. This is twice this week and its only wednesday
saying that you may be able to suck the gay out of me was just my way of getting a blowjob...thank you for the valiant effort.
Yeah. I stopped her before she flashed the guy for a free slice of pizza. She called me a gentleman and then before I knew it she was in my bed.
he kept opening the car door while we were ON THE HIGHWAY and insisting he could walk. next time i drive my boss home at 3am i'm putting the child lock on
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
I've never wanted anyone to have herpes as I much as I want him to right now.
He's going to wonder why I have burn marks on my asshole
The fact that I can now puke rainbows on snapchat makes my life that much better
My mom just came upstairs handed me an Adderall and asked if I could help her wash the ceilings
A relationship is waiting for him to fall asleep so you can cum (finally!) while watching porn
This is not a test of the emergency warning system. He has broken my vagina. I repeat he has broken my vagina. Damn it was good.
I’ve looked at so many mouse vaginas in the past week
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