I need to have sex with someone before he does. I need to win this break up!
New pre-game routine....wal-mart bathrooms...quality beers for free...hallelujah
90 In a 65. Talked my way out of it with the i have to poop story. i am the ticket jesus
Everyone agrees they like your mother better drunk
I positioned my bed perfectly so around 10 a.m. every morning there are rays of sunshine coming through the window in my room. Now i can tan while PTFO.
My roommate says its rare that you can be tear gassed before you lose your virginity so i feel accomplished in life
He was just lying on the living room floor watching Star Wars with six empty pack of cigarettes and two empty cases of beer.
In his defence I guess I did take the bed, couch and dining room set in the breakup.
i wear a size 32DD bra. its basically impossible for me to get a speeding ticket
The plane down was full of newly weds and I counted 5 pairs of mile high club members. Actually, one might have been a group membership discount.
I just don't know how to say "I want to have sex you with before you graduate" in a classy way
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
She started crying, nearly punched a guy, started smoking multiple cigarets backwards and broke the slide on her bong. Why do I always end up babysitting the crazy ones?
Idk she seemed really innocent until she snorted that line of vicodin
Only you would make Mario Party a contact sport.
And you owe me a new pair of switch controllers.
I need advice on ways to politely say “fuck you on your way to hell”.
Randomize
