She begged me for sex again. I felt like I was telling a homeless person I didn't have any change.
She told me my parents were awesome for leaving me uncircumcised...
Ideas for halloween. We need simple yet hilarious. Cheap yet effective. Slutty yet acceptable. Go.
My pubes were yanked out by the root when they got caught in the condom. I think it's time for a bikini wax.
Today, my boyfriend informed me that I look like my dad when I orgasm
They are the perfect team. One always has weed, the other always has cigarettes. They're like the Batman and Robin of drugs
You're telling me he never had to ask for a blow job and he STILL broke up with you? I call bullshit on that one.
We also had a full on debate about how realistic and useful teleportation and time travel would be...and only used Twilight Zone episodes as "scientific evidence"
I'm actually kinda upset that we didn't consider velcro-ing detachable capes to our clothes before this moment.
How do you clean human pee out of a carpet
Inconspicuously
I walked in on him jerking it to videos of UFC fighters. The most awkward part: he didn't stop when I walked in.
I'm drunk doing an ab workout. I can only hope I make it to bed tonight.
People trash cargo shorts, but I'm like, sorry I had room for beers and you didn't.
I gave her two orgasms and then we laid there and she ate jelly beans out of my belly button...that girls a keeper
I just remembered that I totally burped into someones mouth when we were making out. I was really smooth about it so he didn't notice.
Randomize
