just went home with some hot chick. she has posters of the jonas brothers in her room. i basically ran out of the house.
The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
The only good thing about trampolines when you're fucked up is the gushing blood really cleans all the bad coke out of your nose.
They were lying down in the parking garage pretending to be speed bumps...
You never did explain why you were in wal-mart with a wok full of popcorn.
I'm sweating so much right now i look like Whitney Houston
I AM THE KING OF THE FRESHMEN
how did i know this would happen?
My mom was looking at curtains for me and sent pictures and I had to be like "not the Disney princess pink and purple, more like an acid trip"
Honestly and this might sound scary... But I want to get high and play with weapons
I didn't think I was even that high but when we were standing in the cop car's headlights I totally forgot how to use my arms
He started yelling terms of endearment at a cheese sandwich. Then he tried to hump it.
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
Isn't it funny how we're still best friends after that incident with the old lady in the bathroom
You fucking bailed on me. But I love you still
Live it up bro, they're always so surprised to find out you use magnums, being such a tiny man and all. It's a good thing.
Yeah. Broke it off. Saw her cheating after she forgot to turn her zoom off. Ring=$$$. Not making that mistake-priceless
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