You screamed, "I am going to fuck this cheeseburger". They all started laughing until you actually started having sex with the cheeseburger.
i just googled "alcohol delivery service". im combating drunk driving one lazy act a time.
just spent $80 on an im sorry breakfast from mcdonalds for everyone sleeping in my apartment for being a drunkass and locking everyone out of the apartment at 2am.
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
U know that drunk state, where at 930 the next morning your sitting in a bath in ur bathing suit trying to sober up...yeah. That's where i am..
I just showered sitting down with a sippy cup of water in there with me. It took 40 minutes. That hungover.
If you take a couple more shots you won't even know he's a mormon that drives a mini van.
You should make us a hot pocket to split while I go throw up.
Thanks for launching me off you reverse cowgirl. I think I chipped a tooth.
it was so good i reconsidered my staunch atheism
It looked like Halloween in bed... BECAUSE HE BIT MY PUSSY AND I BLED ALL OVER THE FUCKING PLACE. THEN HE FELL AND BROKE HIS TOE. AND THEN PASSED OUT WHEN HE SAW ALL OF THE BLOOD.
I just turned down the best booty call of my life because I have to make a cheesecake. I guess this is growing up.
I just walked by a dude at the gym covering himself in olive oil.
bonging vodka is the same level of "good idea" as eating machetes
The air taste purple.
Randomize
