Woke up in 100% not my clothes this morning. Third time this month. Fuck. Tequila.
my three year anniversary of no dick sucking is coming up. you can throw me a party with a penis cake.
Grape juice and vodka is NOT wine.
Three of the best words ever! Cocaine. Research. Study.
She gives me Chlamydia and somehow I'm still the asshole
The polish Muslims are throwin paczkis into the crowd and I'm beer 6 before 11 am
We all have our weaknesses that drive us crazy. We happen to have one in common, 21 year olds. Your secrets safe. Touch his penis.
I need a gatorade, my back cracked, my crimper, my shot glass, a sock of rice and an explanation.
You did this to yourself.
i need to stop celebrating other people's birthdays like they are m own.. my body can't handle a birthday every week
Look, the fact that I didn't kick him out and rip your clothes off speaks very highly of me.
It was disgusting, and I would've rather licked the condensation off the windows instead, but I figured that's wasn't very ladylike
Still no second date. Guess you shouldn't show guys your taser on the first date.
I made everything so magnificently awkward in under 15 seconds. I am magic.
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
I am high. And my mom surpised me today. Now i am high and with my mom....bad idea
Randomize
