For a day that started with shitting my pants, things turned out fairly well.
I lost my virginity in that bed. You just layed in history.
Here. I am here. I do not know where here is but it includes condom balloons, a keg castle, and a shaved goat. Do not find me...I am in post blackout heaven.
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
It was honestly like he was directing a porno or something. he kept telling different people to grab other people's boobs, it was all very artistic.
I miss the time when Mondays weren't the new Thursdays. I can't drink like my 17 year old self anymore.
I mean it was like cry my eyes out or masturbate in my moms bathroom.
Exactly. So you're exempt under the "I can't just fuck her to make it go away" clause of 2010.
The last thing I remember from that party was me shouting "hold my feet I'm going in strapped like Rambo"
Your the only person to come back from spring break with a non std related infection
Hey remind me the get the pancakes out of my jacket
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
I have to stay away from bourbon. Despite what it keeps telling me, it is NOT my friend.
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
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