he confessed his love for me, threw up on my pillow and then fell asleep on said pillow. i met him last night.
better than last weekend. things are really looking up for you.
I'm way too horny to be at work right now. I think it might be legally irresponsible to leave me alone with cucumbers.
You were rubbing your foot on one of your legs and kept saying, "My sock feels like a waterslide!"
there is a time and a place for ass-grabbing and that was not it.
i need to find a notary that isn't going to turn me in for blatantly lying to the us and chilean governments
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
you want a dog just so you can strap a barrel of hot chocolate around its neck?
You were dancing with a coffee pot of rum in one hand and a joint in the other. So that should explain everything.
She said pants are for pussies while spooning peanut butter onto her frosted flakes with a serving spoon. She's not even high yet.
I just got caught impersonating a t-Rex by my boss. Sadly he wasn't fazed by my behavior and acted like it was normal.
Pornhub is still operational. Therefore, the world has NOT come to an end in the blizzard!
Dude, you were tagged in a stripper FB selfie. That is a whole new level of something.....
Anyone who can sit 4 hours in a doobie circle with their feet in a kiddie pool is ok by me
just saw two eagle scouts making out in chic-fil-a
Then you fell out of your chair, looked right at me and said, "You are sooo drunk."
Randomize
