i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
Another night of drunkeness. Maybe I shouldn't have played death pong...
Didn't you just get a DUI last week?
Indeed I did but death didn't stop Jesus now did it
i'm drinking out of my 'black like my president' mug
I'm so glad you managed to take a picture of your foreskin before you broke my camera.
I just saw a girl in Albersons in spandex and curlers buying PBR. Only PBR.
I think one day, after evolution kicks in, my sons will thank me for having a 3rd ball. That's how much sex I'm having.
My New Years Resolution is to come up with a new resolution monthly. January: decrease my shotgunning consumption speed to 7 seconds or less.
Blood. All over. Pre coke adventure needs to slow down unless I'm involved
Spending my graduation money on an abortion. Welcome to the real world.
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
Well I'm about 60% wine, 30% pure rage and 10% tears at the moment and I'm disappointed in how little alcohol is in me
It's 10:15 on a Wednesday night and my dick is covered in pop rocks. How's your Wednesday going?
Your vagina felt like having sex with thanksgiving mashed potatoes. The best kind of mashed potatoes
Why am I sleeping on top of the fridge?
You were playing hide and seek with the dog. she couldn't find you and you passed out.
You came in, yelled 'i am from the future' then puked all over the floor
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