The shirt is mine, the pants are mine, the bra not so much
If I've learned one thing today? Blow jobs get you to state championships.
Alright. Who did it? Who's bangin' the ump?
So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
do people really wait til 5 oclock to start drinking in real life?
You took a fire extinguisher off the wall in the hallway to play Ghostbusters.
Gooodnight my beautiful sex angel. Much luvz for joo, etceteraz
I tried to get you a girl. They want us to cook breakfast though
Lolll I'll be sleeping
I'm practically buying you a 1 way ticket to pound town.
I expected to wake up with a sext of you posing nude and all I got was a missed call.....disappointed.
I'm sorry I think it was because I lost a chicken nugget in my purse and that's all that was on my mind until 4am
They don't allow McDonald's in the ER. Go figure
There seems no grander way to celebrate 420 than to smoke atop a mountain peak.
Yeah, I probably need some combination of electric shock, massive quantities of LSD, and enough couch time time to make Woody Allen say "Enough".
The guy who said he's gonna suck your butthole till your face caves in is at Maggie's
I just want to buy drugs without having to pay an arm and a leg for it. Is that a horrible thing to ask for?
I mean, it's not like you can exactly complain to the manager and higher ups about it.
He's teaching me French for free and I'm giving him blowjobs. Win-win.
i feel like the girl with kaleidoscope eyes except the kaleidoscopes are sparkly butt plugs
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