i have the same doorman on the day shift as the guyi shacked with has on the night shift. he just laughed at me when i came home this AM. FML
O no, u 2 are dating again?
No. I just masturbate furiously to his picture
You know it's time to leave Spain when you are back and forth between Skype and a Spanish dictionary trying to figure out out to say "I can still smell you on my skin."
You act like I was drinking alone...I had the entire Verizon network with me
Your lack of a response has proven you've clearly forgotten how crazy I am.
Idk wtf I would do on a date. I thought wed passed that stage at least for a while. Nowadays dates should consist of blackouts and shameful mistakes.
NEW RULE: NO INNAPROPRIATE CHOICES THAT INVOLVE GUNS. I LIKE IT. WRITE THAT DOWN.
I said to him "i can't have sex with anyone in my friend's living room" then he said "we can move the air mattress into the kitchen"
I'm basically your average "grandpa stuck in a 28 year old woman's body" - i'm super passionate about retirement and crossing on the walk signal.
and SLEEP god I love sleep
You know, we cock-blocked like 5 people last night. It's like we're her vagina goalies
Lets just say I tried to pinky promise the cop... So I was fucked up.
I just spilled a shot of Patron on your mom.. Body shots may be happening. You better get here quick.
That sounds worse than that time you thought out an entire story of how big bird would kill you
I want you
Nvm, now I want someone who replies to my booty-call texts faster
Thanks for loaning me your shower and panties. My hubby is awesome, but I shouldn’t go home commando, smelling like lube and sperm again
Randomize
