The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
you made a powerpoint titled 'things i've drank tonight' and emailed it to me.
oh, i've got big weekend plans. on an unrelated note, do you think viagra will work if the guy is roofied?
Omg.....I raised my camera to take a pic at this presentation, and I wanted to zoom in, so I swiped my phone to the left and up pops my dick pic from last night.
I can't bring myself to turn around to see if pple saw it.
It's his sex noise. "I'm gonna cu-THE LORD IS MY SHEPARD AND I SHALL NOT WANT"
Which outfit says "I'm sorry for your loss but we're still banging later"?
Brightest idea yet: lets drink enough at ladies-drink-free nights to make up for the cost of tampons. Breaking even on having vaginas!
It's 2pm, and I just had to pass a guy in the turning lane because he was driving down Main Street in an electric wheelchair pulling a flatbed trailer with 2 of his buddies in it and they were all drunk holding beers.
Wrong. I really wanted to see the movie. And she was on top of me like she was riding a mechanical bull. Who am I to complain? I live to serve.
Last night you told me you "were too high" and didn't deserve a hashbrown.
I talked to the pizza guy for 10 minutes about my truck, I don't even have a truck
I made soup. Now I'm having post soup making wine. I had pre soup making wine also.
He's teaching me French for free and I'm giving him blowjobs. Win-win.
I couldn’t resist. He had a camouflage condom. You know I love a man in a uniform
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