you think thats bad? Today I had to pop a zit on my sack.
you refused to come out of the bathroom until i asked you in spanish
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
I dont want to tell you. Lets just say that a lot of things are reminding me of your dick right now
I am currently listening to someone take a shit. I hate the hole in the ceiling.
I just heard my parents fuck. What. The. Fuck. My rooms right under theirs.. My dad barely even lasted a minute. Im almost ashamed..
Had to go see my sisters new baby this morn in the clothes I wore to the rave last night. Still drunk. Almost dropped it. I'll be a good aunt right?
Remember don't think of it as being an alcoholic until something bad happens.
Think of it as Mythbusters for people who say you're going to get arrested or die
How does a law student 15 days away from graduation prepare for a pass fail final? Drinking beer, eating thick cut bacon, and watching game of thrones, that's how
Woke up with a squirrel in my bed, how was your night?
We were like ok let's be eachothers maid of honor and then you were like "ok see you at the wedding" and walked away
I woke up on some strangers couch covered in salad mix and oatmeal cream pies. The struggle is absolutely real.
My lease is up and I've been thinking, it's only fair that the guys I've fucked in this apartment in the past year help me move. They enjoyed the bed, now help me move it.
I'd just like to take a moment now to apologize sincerely for getting drunk and making an as of myself at your Christmas party next week. I'm especially sorry for sleeping with your baby sister.
If a weird guy texts you in the near future asking if you are satan just go with it
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