You'll be the first to get a "it's herpes simplex 1" cigar.
We video chatted for almost two hours. But I woke up with puke on my keyboard. The question of the day: were we still chatting when I vommed? No idea.
His uber religious wife caught us having anal sex in their bed..... she called us sodomites. Can you even be a sodomite if you're a girl?
You're not a sodomite. You're a whore. Tell her to get the insults right. Did she try to save you with Jesus?
She said she'd pray for me. Man, if I had just caught my husband balls deep in some ho, I'd say fuck the praying and kick her ass.
What do you mean you don't pregame your bikini waxes?
yeah...i noticed he pets people when he's drunk. It's odd.
This is to remind you the pizza is in the dishwasher birthday boy eat it before it goes on
it's 10:36pm. Do you know where your penis should be?
He told her hed rather go bobbing for apples in puke than have sex with her.
The number of times I've puked in the Walgreens bathroom is becoming way too many for my pride.
It's pretty fantastic. I just wanna know how your bra ended up in the aquarium the other night.
I just remembered something. Did we really all flash the cab driver to get half off?
She tied her key to her bra the night before and couldn't get it off while trying to open the door this morning so she just took her bra off and let it tangle from the key while unlocking the door...the old Indian couple next door were shocked.
I cried over the lack of milkshakes I've consumed in the last month
So I'm pretty sure I told every one at the party that "I'm going to fuck my pillow pets tonight?"
I didn't know how to commemorate his death, so I snorted a fat line off of his obituary. Rest in peace.
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