Currently listening to 'Just Put it in Your Mouth.' remember when i went through that phase?
I wish I could google chicago male strippers on my work computer but I don't feel like talking to HR today
yeah. you were just sitting there watching transformers, caressing your toaster.
he just invited me over for the 3 p's...pepsi pizza and porn...I'm gonna marry him
Lame. Party is tapping out at 4am. Even chanting "USA" didn't rally them.
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
I never thought the first time a taser would be used on me would be at an applebees
I should have questioned it early on when they said bring beer and chocolate syrup
Sometimes I think I have so much sex with you to be sure you're actually straight.
I think I'm goin to jail but either way I had a blast.
He offered to let her do a line of coke off his hard-on. She said she'd had that hard-on and it would be a bump, not a line. Everyone laughed. That's why he left.
So that answers the first question but not the second: how the fuck am I getting home?
I made out with my former step mother's best friend. Only knew the connection when they both showed up together at the bar.
Did we seriously steal a wet floor sign from McDonald's then get chased down by a homeless man for it? Never drinking again.
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
That means I have to put pants on. That is not something I am willing to do right now.
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