oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
I am laying on the kitchen floor eating cold chicken fingers and drinking wine. welcome to my new years party.
I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
I think the waitress doesn't beleive I have friends coming. I've had 4 drinks and a large salad just waiting for you guys.
I just used my med student white coat as ID to buy beer at 9 in the morning
Just got the test results back. All clean, Now whose an idiot for going bareback in South America for 3 months straight.
my bedside table was not meant to hold this many beer bottles.
i don't know at this point bringing the fog horn might be a good idea...
u girls! girls! girls! have fun please don't hook up w/ a roadie! Love, mom
We almost forgot to tip the maids, so we left the rest of the gin, some tonic water and a lime. They earned it
He's not replying to my booty call. Like wtf. You have ONE PURPOSE IN LIFE.
I hooked up with Spider-Man on the hood of Santas car. I kept saying that he could shoot his web at me. Also I found Waldo. Overall good night.
Note to self; if you can light it on fire, you probs shouldn't drink it
You're not talking any sense into me. You're cheering me on to disaster.
... is that not half the reason I'm your best friend in the first place?
This may be the most redneck thing I've ever said, but I know all there is to know about farting dogs
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