The only thing I want to hear out of a girl's mouth tonight is, "slurp".
Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
Just took my first sake bomb. I love japan
I cant leave dude. theres a horse with a top hat on
I'm all about sex. But even I know there will be a time to retire my junk. And that will be my 40th birthday, or whenever I'm hideous
At least I look tastefully trashed. My nipples are hidden and I'm standing up.
I just did something so unspeakable in the panera bathroom that their health score dropped 10 points.
I said "I am wrapped in the Cocoon Of Comfort! You should go." He started to argue and I yelled "COCOON OF COMFORT!!!" silencing him
Just had sex to Jesse & the Rippers. Can check that one off the bucket list.
if i dont text back till morning its cause i turned my phone off and changed my password to something i wont remember to stop myself from drunk texting...RESPONSIBILITY
Putting plan B on my parents credit card wasn't the smartest idea
He's gone. He left a note but all it says is "Dear Neil" followed by a drawing of a hand flipping the bird in the direction of a butt.
All I wanted was to die alone with my dogs....how did I end up here
I don't know if I should laugh or punch you
My fuck buddy and I talked about Amelia Bedilia for ten minutes before having sex. I think I'm in love.
I feel like hooking up with you on my floor, sneaking out my window and jumping a fence is an effort that deserves a happy birthday.
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