you're putting all your eggs in a very hungover basket
after last night, i judge her for not breaking up with me
Important life lesson - flammable and inflammable mean the same thing
You don't understand how difficult it is to give head with cotton mouth
So the answer to your question is yes, I was masturbating on the roof of my building.
Ha ha. You should see the things I'm doing to my body at Bob Evans.
And on the subject of embracing my inner whore, I had two different dicks in my mouth yesterday. Friend, it's official. I'm completely outta control.
I'm gonna fingerblast you when you get off work. Get ready.
The walls are thin & apartments are narrow so all the bedrooms are next to each other. Our complex could compete in synchronized orgasms.
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
I literally just skipped to the fridge when I realized we had enough vodka left to get day drunk
I just fell down my stairs, guess that's how my sunday is gonna go
You realized your blanket was a snuggie, spread your arms, and yelled "tonight I sleep like jesus!"
Wait, I'm confused. I EMPTIED the bottle? as in consumed it? I'm impressed with myself.
Randomize
