the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
I just banged two guys while dressed like an angel. I love this holiday.
apparently he thought telling me 'the weasel wants to come out to play' would somehow convince me to go down on him
The fact that when I blacked in you were sober enough to kick me out of your roommates bed makes me question our friendship.
I was stumbling so much, men walking behind us were shouting "don't hit the pole! don't hit the pole!" whenever I was near a telephone pole.
I hit a child with a fudge sickle from a moving vehicle after he flipped me off, I feel like a God. Tell no one. My partner didn't see it.
Godammit I caught my hair on fire taking a bong rip
I AM SMARTER THAN EVERY FUCKBOY WHO HAS EVER SWIPED LEFT ON ME
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
Of course the sales lady was judging you, you bought a pregnancy test, ky jelly, diet pills and a 6 pack of red bull. Even i'm judging you.
Things could not have gone more poorly if I had stripped naked and run through the Sahara with sirloins tied to my vagina.
I don't know why, but whenever I shave my balls I feel more aerodynamic.
You ever have a fart follow you around?
Randomize
