I have so many mobile devices now, I only use my laptop for porn.
I dont know why I dont listen to you more often. He wont stop texting me. And his signature is "dancing with no panties on"
I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
i think i pulled off the nice guy thing too well. it just backfired later on when she thought i was actually nice.
thanks for texting me "so many asians" at 1am...
there were a lot.
The movie was so bad she gave me two blowjobs. Two.
What can I say, we hook up during the holidays.. We're a seasonal couple
I am too hungover to address any of this right now, every time i move it feels like i'm being bitch slapped by the hand of God
I think the closest to heaven you can get in this world is your morning dump after a night of Molly
Hey, you remember years ago when you told me you would give me a kidney?
I'm washing down the sadness with shots of vodka.
Fuck you asshole. You cost me cheerleader pussy.
the staff put glowsticks in the urinals of the porta-pottys last night and honestly drunk me has never been more grateful for anything in his life
I covered the puke with a shingle there's not many chunks. I think it will blend quickly.
My horoscope should say: you're an alcoholic, get help today, Pisces
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