can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
I need a creepy friend to scare off the other creepy people
I would be honored to be that friend.
You stole her bday cake and shared it with drunk strangers on the street.
And then I interrupted the father of the groom, to ask if she was "ballet or pole" in the middle of his story about his niece, the dancer.
He told me I just kept sending him the word sex and dollar signs.
As far as figuring life out your talking to a guy that's alternating text messages between his baby mama and a drunk bitch I met tailgating. My best advice is don't worry about shit out of your control and always and I really mean ALWAYS wear a condom.
Let's drink?
Just because it's bacon vodka doesn't mean it's for breakfast.
The cops raided her house the day before class even started
Those assholes are becoming so efficient
David pulled a magic mike again and started stripping on every street sign we passed.
last night i reached the point where my boob implants paid for themselves in free drinks. to celebrate lets go out and get more free drinks tonite.
If I make it home without being sick in this captain's hat it will be a fucking miracle.
I did stay at work til 5 but for the last hour I was just taking naked pics on my desk for some tinder guy
In other news, the one guy I DIDN'T have sex with in High School is now famous.
My debit card was between my ass cheeks when i woke up. i vaguely remember putting it there for safe keeping
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