my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
I think I won the penis lottery.
I will seriously deflate and melt into the floor into a puddle of devestation, shame and vodka.
So I'm trying to figure out if starting the day running around the quad in a black t-shirt and bikini w/ a drawn on mustache is a good way to start the day...
HES DOING PULLUPS BE STILL MY BEATING HEART
don't act like you've never hung your towel on your dick after getting out of the shower
Should I go sleeveless of strapless?
Hmmm, it doesn't matter. You're gonna be topless by the end of it.
Yeah yeah, I don't care. I bought a super soaker, so lets please go attracting attention by spraying each other while wearing white tank tops?
Summary of my night: made out with a complete stranger at a club dressed in the Geico gecko costume...
Jesus, I think this onesie was designed to keep me from masturbating.
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
My dry spell starts kindergarten this fall...
They grow up so fast.
the worst part about living alone is not having other peoples snacks to mooch off of when you havent gone grocery shopping in three weeks. i'm so pms-y i'm about to eat a soy sauce packet
If I ever drink whiskey again make sure I don't eat the plastic cups that I'm drinking them from.
Im playing a game I have to take a drink every time my gram asks me the same question hammered by 4 guaranteed
Randomize
