Dude ! Why is there vomit with whole pieces of sushi in the shower when the toilet is not more than 2 feet away ? btw you need to chew your food better,
man, i hate rosetta stone. i wanted to impress this girl with italian last night but all i could say were things like "a blue airplane" and "he is wearing a white shirt"
Just saw a Mexican guy pushing a stroller with 3 twelve packs of corona in it with a toddler struggling to keep up on foot behind him
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
i just remembered the time you guys tried to give me an intervention because i was drunk before 5 on a monday
Yo. I have a shitload of cardboard. We have to build a smoke hut in the smoke room with a tunnel connected to a cat house. This way the kitty can join us whenever she pleases
Hunting for men at chipotle... I feel like I should be more disappointed that this is the way my life is going but I'm really just excited for the potential.
it was really awkward meeting your mom for the first time while i was still wearing the condom we were using.
the doctor said its the kinda of pregnant you dont recover from
There's a black statue of liberty dancing on the side of the road. Please hold while I join him.
In preparation for st patty's day I finally had a shamrock shake, and I invested in an app that will apparently keep me from drunkenly texting you pictures of my tits this weekend. Please let me know if you want to not be put on the "forbidden" list!
I'm in my bed. Snow angles in fresh sheets. don't even try to get me out tonight.
My TA is here with a sombrero and an entire bottle of Svedka. Skip jury duty.
Granted every 20 shifts of working there you seem to be on par to receive some sort of racy satisfying sexual encounter which money can’t buy
I know you're here! I can hear your phoneeeee. Wake up and do illegal things with me.
Randomize