did I really admit that id have sex with that cougar had I been more drunk?...ugh...i need to masterbate more
Remind me to tell you about the dream where im a fighting a super hero whose only weakness is sunkist.
Just saw the first guy i ever slept with in drag. I can hear my grandfather saying "i knew she was a lesbian" somewhere
apparently 20 random guys watched the process of me being carried on a mattress through the dorms
He said he got laid, but you and i both know he was too high to leave his house.
MASS TEXT: who ever dared Todd to suck on the Clorox wipes last night.. good goin jackass. you can come visit him, hes in room 266, AFTER hes done getting his stomach pumped.
HE DARED ME TO DARE HIM... DONT PUT THAT ON ME.
I'm gonna make a mold of your dick so I can make popsicles
Currently trying to figure out if the guy has a cane next to me or brought a weird dildo to the bar
You say you're gonna take rehab seriously... but i keep imagining it as a training montage for you preparing to snort all of columbia.
That actually is really sweet of you
My stripper pole led lights flash with the sound so it's awsome with music
I discovered a new stretch mark. DONE. LITERALLY DONE.
The best thing about this time of year is that all I have to do is add a random mardi gras decoration to my cart full of alcohol and boom, no more judging
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
My friend just got engaged and I'm setting vibrators on fire.
Your life rocks...
Where you been?
Please tell me this is a booty call
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