If immigrants and dwarves find love, why can't I?
Did you see Brett Michaels get knocked on his ass?
Hurt me personally.
Knocked his cowboy hat off... Bandanna was still good though
you were so high you were expressing yourself in action figures
My number went up to seventeen today. I forgot to add my random hookup on a sailboat.
He came on my face and told me I looked like a gingerbread house.
The online application for Mcdonald's said I could do incredible things there. Today I threw out shit filled underwear in the women's restroom and escorted a very drunk/high 42 year old man outside after he ordered a 5 dollar foot long and a bloody mary.
They both just did a shot, head butted each other, did another shot and then slapped each other in the face. These could be the two guys we've been looking for all our lives
I action rolled over a firepit. Twice. I am the action roll king
You won't wear your Santa suit, I can't get trashed, and you won't use handcuffs! This is the worst Christmas EVER.
The lady at target couldn't scan my grocery item and just looked at me and said "just take it. I hate this fucking place". Best munchie adventure yet.
she pretty much pinned my hand to her boob "on accident" for like 10 seconds before she moved. Waiting the rest of the night was just a formality.
How bad would it be if I wore out the dress we got peed on in. You're the only one who knows.
I wish I'd realized he looked like Skrillex before I was already in the middle of fucking him...
You grabbed my arm, said "I need you" in a very concerned voice and dragged me to the other room where you were blasting Evolution of Beyoncé.
I'm constantly crying, and now I start crying every time I masturbate which is a fun development.
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