If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
My mom gave me a book called "why good people do bad things"
I didn't realize you were one of the "good people"
I've reached too hung over to move status will you bring me something to drink?
I moved out 2 weeks ago remember?
Can you ship it to me then?
And by go well you mean everyone's hammered right?
Yupp. And someone's bleeding
I'm like a magical alcohol dispenser. I pulled this kahlua out of my vagina.
I'm sorry. I just realized our 'big night out' ended up being you driving my high ass to get burritos and back.
So our trip to Disney World ended in the three of us stripping at a gay club in orlando.
the conference was great. we had to hide the acid in a planter in front of the department of agriculture though
I mean like, I missed 30 minutes of star wars to fuck you on Christmas so you must be worth something
I don't need no damn man when I have the cock-a-nator 2000.
I just chased my hot mailman down the street to ask him out and now I am 98% positive he gave me a fake number.
He wanted to save my dignity, I just wanted beads and jäger
He punched me in the face while giving him road head, because he was driving stick. I shit you not.
Randomize
