Her tattoo has the intellectual profundity of snakes on a plane except you can't laugh.
The only thing I have to prove last night happened is a fireman's hat full of puke.
I just found 3 condoms in my math textbook... in the probability section... Under dependent and independent events...
Honestly, it was easier to just put it in my mouth than to deal with an awkward conversation.
I don't remember anything past "we have 15 minutes to drink this keg."
God I feel like the rain man of hangovers.
Free tacos and bad night are never used in the same sentence
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
well he got me up crazy early but i got pizza for breakfast and an electric blanket to sleep with sooo he passed the one night stand test.
I just read through our messages from yesterday and realized we both referred to me tearing my penis as a good thing. What the fuck.
He's hitting it raw. Might as well stick his dick in a vat of SARS at this point.
right now I need to figure out a smart way to get an accurate picture of his dick so I know what in dealing with, right now in flying blind.
Nothing says "class act" like eating acid in the middle of a Buffalo Wild Wings
Omg my orgasm just made the fucking sun come out. Clearly my libido controls the weather now.
gonna stay in tonight
and im a platypus. shotgun a beer and get your dick to this party. ive got some hot friends visiting
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