She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
you're putting all your eggs in a very hungover basket
I don't hate you. My dick is upset with you, but I don't hate you.
If you feel like laying around and watching a movie, that's where I'll be for the next several hours not moving, blaming others, and generally feeling sorry for myself.
It's four o'clock and my 60yo aunt's tits have already made an appearance and there is a dildo traveling around the room periodically assaulting family members. Strangely I am thankful.
You stuck a chicken finger in that stripper's clevage and said "Keep this warm for me.
What bar did i puke in last night
by bar you must mean bars and by in you must mean on
I've never been to a "going away to jail" cookout. do we bring a present?
I would feel worse for you if you weren't waking up between a pair of double Fs that attached to a classically trained chief. Im still jacking off eating hot pockets.
I'm naked, I'm drunk, and I'm all up on social media right now
I ran into him drunk, barefoot, at rite aid and he said I looked "stunning." Yeah, Stunningly shitfaced haha
no he just sat there holding the hammer and grinning insanely
Hot date tonight for the first time in months and I just cut my dick shaving. PRAY FOR ME.
Can't believe we're making vacation plans with the guy we had a threesome with
The date did not go well. Turns out I once set her brother on fire.
Randomize
