there are 2 things i love giving: blowjobs & backrubs. how can i tell them that without sounding like a slut
There's a 24 hour period after giving head where you can't eat penis shaped food without me laughing at you
Good lord, they've set up every firework to be ignited by a trail of gasoline at midnight. God save us all.
Also on a more serious note, what says pull my hair more: straight or soft curls?
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
I have so much boob sweat I could bathe a baby
Hahah fuck. I keep looking to make sure that stupid line doesn't show up when my guards are down. Babies can sense fear.
the upside of dating someone over 21: he can buy me a pregnancy test AND a bottle of wine when he goes to cvs for me
she just announce I'm david copper field and tried to shove a napkin down my throat
So if I get kidnapped from my office and go missing for a few days does that count against my vacation days and do I still get paid?
Well I was thinking of taking him out for drinks then lecturing him about his drinking... kind of like an open minded intervention
Bring me a cialis. .. I feel like having a super dick today
he was wearing a widestriped red gingham suit jacket with complete sincerity im not surprised she beat the shit out of him
This is why you arnt allowed in pet stores
I told the border patrol officer she was smuggling drugs in her ass. I doubt she cheats on me again.
Randomize
