I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
i woke up with someone drivers licenses in my wallet this am...he said i don't have a business card so just take my drivers license
The paper boy just woke me up in the front yard again.
Saved a life and got us a free vacuum cleaner (and learned vacuum is not spelled "vacumn"). Get on my level.
Whatever you didn't send me pics of you topless making bacon
I climbed out a window to pee last night because i thought i was locked in the room... Then crawled back in and went to bed. The poor neighbors.
REWARD BLOWJOB!! STAY RIGHT WHERE YOU ARE I'LL BE THERE IN FIVE MINUTES.
I responded with "neat-o burrito" to his SEXT...he tried so hard and I just panicked.
Denim handjobs are the worst handjobs. I hate all handjobs. Why do people even.
Hey, it's Valentine's Day weekend and were single and off our periods. Let's live like queens.
Did your grand seduction include learning to play careless whisper on a kazoo or was that just a hobby
just stepped out my front door and let the wind dry my naked body because I was too lazy to go search for a clean towel that may not even exist. I could live like this forever
we need to open a bar. a bar with... wait for it... A FUCKING BALL PIT.
LOL. Do you guys need a ride home?
No. we're home already. i just thought it was a brilliant fucking idea.
eating a weed cupcake with nutella on top at work. i AM a star!
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
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