so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
They're sharing a mixed drink at a bar with straws...its like a disney movie with booze
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
If her picture on my phone wasn't mostly of her breasts, I'd never pick up the phone when she calls.
You left your underwear here. I'm hanging it on my door
Um I think everyone drunk and there's some douche on violin.
Ended up getting hot boxed in a limo with a bunch of asians going to a karaoke bar. I think I pretended to understand their language for a solid hour. Am I bilingual now?
i may have given a gay guy with a mohawk my number last night that said... "you are straight" omg so glad a whole year til my next birthday... also i hit myself in the face with a car door. nice.
I'll just go on tinder. Seeking strong male to help take apart ikea furniture and move. I'll touch your dick.
I just watched a squirrel take down a snake,life isn't so bad after all.
I've decided I will have no shame for the things I don't remember doing.
Who is naked dude in the kitchen?
The only thing good about being back at work is the lunch time hand jobs from the MILF
They were shocked that I could handle my liquor so well. I'm half Irish and half Russian. This is what I'm made for
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