Just saw a girl that looks like Michelle Obama and Im strangely aroused by her. Does that make me a democrat?
I sat a few seats down and one row behind a cute girl at the Cubs game today. Having watched her talk to the guy next to her, I found out only her name and age. I then used that information and pieced it together with over 500 girls on Facebook with the same name. I found the same girl, and we're now fbook friends.
if being a creepy fuck was an olympic sport, they'd think you were using performance enhancing drugs...
T-minus about 54 seconds until I am too high to speak English.
I'm jealous
My throat feels like a candle.
Mental note: adding peach schnapps to a gin and tonic does not "water it down."
As far as figuring life out your talking to a guy that's alternating text messages between his baby mama and a drunk bitch I met tailgating. My best advice is don't worry about shit out of your control and always and I really mean ALWAYS wear a condom.
Someone was asleep on the couch next to us and woke up. We paused and he yelled "gentlemen, behold! Sex!"
It took me 3 tries to get up the front steps. They kept me motivated by waving taco bell just out of my reach. Surprisingly effective.
Most men with as many freckles as you aren't vagina magnets. You are an exception to your kind.
Try to make ecstasy cheese. Capitalize on the molly and greek yogurt trends. MARKETING
Everyone was in jail by 10:30. I'd say it was a successful bachelor party.
I'm drunk in a place called Lick-A-Chick. PS. It's not a lesbian hot spot, they sell chicken.
I don't think this guy is worth it unless he's a skilled sexual amigo
We turned a wake into a bar crawl.
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
There's a lady rapping at me about making healthy food choices. She lives in a refrigerator. This is not okay with me
Randomize
