season finale of lost and an oz of weed. tonight my mind is going to be blown.
I think he'd cut a tree down for me. He's from North Dakota. That's something hot guys do there, right?
After three games of beer pong ending in victory by death cup, all four of us bonded in the fact that we all slept with the girl's boyfriend at some point in time in the past year. She had no idea.
Apple should advertise that their phones are puke-proof. They would appeal to a whole new audience.
I deserve like a purple heart or something. I just made it all the way drunk through my 2 story house without making a sound. While carrying a trombone.
Alls I remember is making out with that chick.
Nope that was a dude
Her boobs take up a lot of room so God had to skimp on the brains
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
I'm supposed to nail the old lady at 1:30 so I'll see you at 1:35ish.
You passed out in your dogs bed and you only willingly woke up because I told there was a bottle of vodka and a snickers bar waiting for you upstairs
i just woke up to her giving me a toothy BJ so I had to break into your bedroom and steal about 4 condoms. Sorry for waking you. :(
Like I thought me shitting my pants was bad today... Then the election happened.
How do you say, "I love you, but i prefer sex with someone else." in a good way? Ponder that over a jack and coke and get back to me.
He said I was so drunk and high that I had a conversation w/ his goldfish. The video shows me clearly conversing as if talking to a person w/ pauses in conversation and everything
I wanna get to the point where I can just send a question mark and get an exclamation point in response
Randomize
