I was so high I couldnt even listen to music i was terrified of the potential knowledge i would gain.
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
boyfriend # 1 is in the bathroom and boyfriend # 2 is ringing the doorbell need back up this is not a drill i repeat this is not a drill
Why the FUCK can i grow hair on my big toes but not on my chest?
I take pleasure in knowing how many gallons of booze we've put away in comradery.
I think we should measure in "bathtubs"
Ya. I wonder how much being a beard for a major league baseball player pays. This could be a lucrative arrangement...
Your headphones are on the door knob and I left you a burger on the door step.
HE'S LICKING FROSTING OFF OF THE EIGHTEEN YEAR OLD BOY
What type of condoms do you get ? Oh and do you want a slurpee while I'm here
My stuff that was at your place last night smells like doughnuts. I'm not even mad.
I just got winded making my bed. How do you think the workout plan is going?
Just watched a middle age white woman scream WHY DON'T YOU GO FUCK YOURSELF, HELEN?! Helen seemed absolutely scandalized.
I ate 1200 calories worth of chocolate covered marshmallows and googled why it is okay to be single forever
Also, what day were you thinkin we should trip balls at the children's museum?
I think I should've done my makeup before I took the acid. Because now I just feel silly looking at myself in the mirror
Randomize
