youre so sexy i want your bod
dude, did you turn gay?
heather?
this is jacob
Two kids are drinking pounders in class. I think I'm hanging out with the wrong group of friends.
dude this girl next to me farted in the middle of a quiz and denied my high five
bitch
Dont have access to internet. masturbating to shake weight commercial.
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
He only dropped the Russian accent after we started having sex.
you know, this Evan Williams whiskey isn't so bad when it's watered down a bit and you're home by yourself on a Saturday listening to Snoop Dog alone in your apartment without pants or any plans for your future...
Bitch looked at my dick and said "I thought they called you horsecock, I'm already disappointed"
I told you that line would get her home never said it was a good idea
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
One of us will probably end up wearing nothing but glow/ neon body paint and a pair of water wings...
And I am in no way ashamed to say that it will most likely be me. I'm hoping for it actually.
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
Note to self: Never spend $8 on a liter of rum again
WHEN YOU HAVE SEX WITH A GUY FROM A DIFFERENT COUNTRY YOURE SUPPOSED TO NEVER SEE THEM AGAIN
Maybe snorting K off penises isn't healthy
If God is analyzing my life right now extremely proud or dissapointed but either way I took wednesday night drinkin to new levels
Randomize
