hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
Are you drinking alone?
no, i'm watching house
That doesn't count.
wtf, then i'm always alone
I think my fart just growled at me.
Horny girl and non horny girl have different views on life
wanna play who's drunker? I just made macaroni & cheese taco and offered it to the pizza Guy as a tip.
It was the most graceful puke ever. I just thought she dropped something underneath the bar until she told me what happened.
I've taken to hiding pictures of us around his room so that he'll forever feel guilty for dumping me on Valentine's Day... And to potentially cock block any hook ups.
We see some guy emerge from the forest on the island this morning, alone, in only a snuggie. Morning shots and bagels on us for the number one walk of shame.
The last time I thought I had a UTI, I ended up having herpes. Sooo.. This time in preparing myself for cancer or death.
I got back from work this morning after working the night shift to find an NFL player scaling the side of our apartment...from your window. He just took sneaking out to all new level. Care to explain?
I think that about sums it up, actually.
I'm pretty sure he's playing the harmonica in my shower right now. I just really need to pee.
40 year old guy made out with me last night while I had French fries in my mouth
my roommate was being a bitch so I changed my Netflix password on her. 21st century slap in the face ladies and gentleman
I still don't understand if he's using me to write his resume or if we're dating
I thought he was hot. You know, in a “I’ve gone batshit insane and want blood for the blood god” sort of way.
Randomize
