Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
I kind of wish I was already fat. So I could eat all I want and not worry about getting fat. Cause I'd already be at that point.
Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
Dude..masurbate with cocoa butter lotion..its like cocoa pebbles just gave me a hand job
He suggested abortion before I finished the sentence. That was my plan too, but now I feel like should keep it just to prove how big of a dick he is.
I dont think getting to 3rd base with a girl you barely know is the type of memory they had in mind when they named the park "memorial park"
If you die first, I'm going to sleep with a pallbearer at your funeral.
1. My arms are cement 2. I wish dogs could answer the phone
He's getting Easter eggs filled with weed or Jell-O shots for his birthday
Just took physics exam. I think this is one of those 'chuck it in the fuck-it bucket and become an art major' days
So i came so hard i almost passed out, where has this vibrator been all my life?
sex on a roof was cool and all but that superhero argument was the best part of the night hands down
every day is bullshit and fuck everyone. That's my motto for the week
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
This is why I love being gay. I could never afford that much birth control.
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