I just used my 2 drink stirrers as chopsticks to get a lime out of my drink. I really am Asian.
let me put this in terms we both understand. he was the crunchwrap supreme of men--the perfect combo of all things manly, gooey and delicious. and ready for instant enjoyment.
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
I let a naked juice spill down my leg for like 30 minutes bc i thought i was hallucinating that my leg was cold.
I peed in my sheets during a dream. Like straight up. A whole new drunk.
And we're now at 8 people from the office coming to my desk to ask me "do you feel better?".
THIS CHICK IS LIKE SOME SORT OF HOOKER HOUDINI.
I'm drinking and working out! I'm bench pressing the beer pong table and doing push ups and lifting the chair.
I had wine for breakfast at 6am, that's how visiting my parents went.
I'm on the fast track to lesbian land
I just destroyed that poor boy. Picked him up and put him wherever I wanted, it was like the Pride version of Elf on a Shelf.
would it be okay if I showed up at your house naked? and is your door unlocked?
I mean, he’s listed as “Andrew DC Threesome” in my phone. THATS HOW I REMEMBER HIM! How is that not the start of a fairytale?
Now I am free. And I want to go meet men. My phone deleted all my contacts, and I consider this to be a new beginning. With a new man in my phone book.
Randomize